Somebody wrote me a suicide note today.
He left it, folded in half, in his bedroom on top of his chest of drawers.
On the outside he'd written my first name, my job title, and an 'x'.
This note was handed to me about ten minutes after he'd kicked open a fire door and jumped a fence and absconded from the ward. As some of my colleagues chased after him, I called the police to report him missing and explain that he was considered a high risk of suicide.
It was only after I'd completed this call that a colleague passed me the note. It was one sheet of A4, completely filled on one side with his reasons for doing what he was doing, an apology to his three children (all aged under 7), to his ex-partner who he described as "a good person, a strong person, stronger than me" and an apology to me, with thanks for all I'd tried to do for him.
He's safe. The police found him in less than half an hour, brought him back to the hospital and I immediately transferred him to a ward that's more secure than my own. So tonight he's safe and that's all that counts.
But I'm really, really pissed off with him that he chose to address his suicide note to me.
Why me? Why not his ex-partner, or his kids, or his dad, or any number of people other than me. I'm not his named nurse, I'm just another member of staff on the ward. Just someone that spends time with him and listens to him and dishes out his medication and tries and tries and tries -unsuccessfully, apparently- to try and make him realise that he has a lot to give, a lot to live for, a future if he chooses to live rather than die.
I like him. As a person, I mean. On a human level, he seems like a decent bloke.
He has no idea how addressing his suicide note to me has impacted upon me. But I haven't been able to get it out of my head all day and he has no idea how angry I am with him. This is a human reaction, not a professional one. We're trained to be non-judgemental and empathetic and professional and emotionless-drones pretty much.
But we're not. And now I'm left to reflect on this whole situation and why he chose to address his note to me. Then I move on, back to the next shift, to the next patient, to the next challenge, with my emotions firmly in check and my work-face on. Just like that. If only it were that easy.
Nurses are humans too, y'all.
RMJ
